My Almost Suicide
Roughly around February of 2017, I was having a party at my house. We were always having parties, most weekends went by in a blur. Vague memories of what had happened. On this particular day though I recall the events quite well.
I just took another round of shots with my roommates before we all turned in for the night. I went to my room. It felt so small and even with my light on, it was dark. I took a seat on the edge of my bed. My world filled with darkness.
My brain went dark and my thoughts had grown quite poisonous. My brain fed me lies, of people not caring about me. Of nothing going to ever be good again. That no one would miss me. And the biggest one, that I should end it all.
My body started to move autonomously, much like breathing, towards a key. I picked up the key, trying to fight my thoughts and body. I took the key over to a safe. In that safe I retrieved my colt 1911, 45 caliber pistol.
I stared at the gun, still fighting my thoughts. Even though I struggled not too the gun had found home in my mouth. I can still remember the taste of the bitter cold piece of metal and the gun oil that it had bathed in. I adjusted it to aim for the brain stem.
And them bam. All I saw was light, blinding at first. Thoughts of the good times of my life and the time spent with those I loved. Was this heaven? I asked myself. Then my thoughts started to focus on those close to me in life. Those who still needed me to be around for them. Those who look up to me and those who came to me for guidance. Then my mind showed me what life would be like for them. Dark and grim, teeming with sadness and grief. They still needed me.
Before I knew it I was back in my room. The gun had never even fired. I won the fight with myself, thanks to my friends and family. I put the gun back in the safe and the key back on the shelf. I sat back down on my bed. I was a new man. I also remember my saying that got me through many tough times, “Always forwards, never backwards and in my darkest hours never faulter”. I thought about all this for some time then I realized, this was a lesson.
I’ve always been quizzical to the world around me. I would put myself through hell just so I knew best how to help others. I realized the pain I felt, was felt so those around me didn’t have to. This suicide was to a lesson. I finally had felt unfathomable despair and rose up past it. I had hit the ultimate bottom and survived. I had learned that it was possible. I also learned just how strong I was. I learned that I could rise up past anything no matter what.
It took me almost taking my life to realize just how valuable my life is and how much I cherish being alive. For anyone going through similar situation just know this. Life gets tough, your own brain will lie to you and there is at least someone who cares about you and will miss you. Taking your life doesn’t get rid of the pain it just gives it to those who care about you. I rose up past my almost suicide and I know for certain you can too.